When you finally get pregnant after struggling so long with infertility, you still feel guilty. You feel guilty if you complain or aren’t feeling well. You also feel guilty that you are pregnant and not everyone that has struggled with you, yes TTC community that’s you, aren’t all pregnant with you. Each cycle I feel like a few of us gals get pregnant together and it’s an amazing bond. Then you see a few have a great pregnancy, some struggle through it, and then there are the few who suffer the horrible sadness of a miscarriage. I was there in November of 2015. I have watched others in the community deal with the same thing and it’s still just as sad and emotional. I hope they all know they are always thought about and I do care. Each pregnancy announcement while I was TTC sent me into feeling so many different feelings and I am sure any one who is struggling with infertility can say the same. You feel happy for them, sad for you, mad, angry, jealous, then happy again, but then you feel so set back in your own journey. I don’t hate that I had to struggle to get pregnant. I feel like it made me such a stronger person all around. I just hate that so many have to suffer from it. So many people who would be amazing parents. Okay, I got that all off my chest now. I just wanted to explain that no matter what, infertility will always be a part of me and I owe so much to these girls in the TTC community. They are all so vulnerable and share so much. I don’t know what I would do without them.
I am 21 weeks pregnant now (with a little girl, yay!! ) and still so darn sick. There are good days and those days are the ones where I try to look like a human and not a walking pregnant zombie. Dealing with hyperemesis gravidarum is for the birds. Still relying on the scary Zofran, yet my high risk doctor isn’t concerned at all about me being on it. He explained that I used it after her heart was formed so it shouldn’t theoretically cause any harm. I am also only taking it twice a day instead of four times a day! If I don’t take it or try to take Diclegis or Reglan I vomit even more. We had our anatomy scan last week and everything went perfect! They said she weighed about 13oz and was in a great percentile. I can feel her kick all of the time now. This past week has been really rough. Not only were my hands and legs more swollen, but so was my face. My blood pressure went up and I have never had an issue with my blood pressure before. I knew what it all pointed to and called my doctor. She explained that I have all of the early symptoms of Preeclampsia. Lovely, just lovely. I am not officially diagnosed because as of right now my blood pressure was fine and there was no protein in my urine. So now I am being watched like a hawk and trying my best to take it easy. Did I mention we are in the middle of buying a house? Holy stress!! Luckily both of our families have been so supportive and are on board with getting us into a house soon so I can relax even more. Operation keep me calm and baby inside in full effect!!!
With Mother’s day around the corner, I want all of the TTC community to know I am thinking of them and will be the whole day. When people or doctors ask me if this is my first pregnancy and I say yes, it literally kills me inside. Technically she is not my first baby. She is my second. I lost my first and will never forget that baby. I wanted that baby so damn much. My husband came home last night to me sobbing like a goon on the couch because it is all I can think of this moment. I am so grateful that I am pregnant with this amazing little girl and so sad at the same time. I got pregnant right after my miscarriage and never fully grieved. I mean, do you ever really grieve that kind of loss?