So this weekend my boss is celebrating her 20th anniversary of having her own veterinarian clinic. She took us all away to Atlantic City, New Jersey to celebrate for the night. My close friends (love that I work with my friends) and I decided to make it into a girls weekend and head to Ocean City after and stay until Sunday. I was a little worried about being on a boat pregnant, but baby was great! My lovely cankles decided to hurt bad and swell up friday night after all of the walking so I decided to call it a night around 11pm while the girls went out. Mama needs her rest, right? My best friend aka my biff made sure to check on me before leaving for drinks and when she came back. Saturday we headed to the beach in Ocean City and it was awesome. Sometimes it’s nice to have your closer friends around you and just to relax some. The water was freezing but the beach was nice!
I asked my friend to take my first real bump picture with my whole body in the photo. That was a huge step to begin with! I have always struggled with my weight but had it under control about 3 years ago. After some relationship issues with my husband, job change, and lots of infertility medication, I gained it all back before I got pregnant. It was really hard to accept but I know after the baby I am going to fight to get back to where I was. I never had horrible health issues from the weight. I just always had health issues that had me gain weight- like hypothyroidism and PCOS. So it’s very hard to keep off but I am not fighting for myself any longer. I have to get fit again for my baby girl. It was really hard to let my friend take the picture but even harder to post it online. I love my bump so much. It’s just hard to see how swollen I am from the pregnancy and the early signs of preeclampsia. I feel defeated at times when I can see my friends walking around or other pregnant women having no issues and are jogging or just simply walking around perfectly fine. It took everything for me to walk the boardwalk and I have never had any issues like this. So for now I am not going to look in the mirror and feel bad. I am going to smile and be more than thankful that I am pregnant and we are both healthy and happy. I type all of this and she dances inside of me kicking away at the laptop. It’s amazing really. A little life inside that has no idea how much I have loved her since day 1 of the IUI. She is all I can think about and I know I will do anything to be the best mother for her. I figured I would blog some because I know I am not the only plus size pregnant woman in the world. I know others are feeling the same and I want them to know it’s okay.
When you finally get pregnant after struggling so long with infertility, you still feel guilty. You feel guilty if you complain or aren’t feeling well. You also feel guilty that you are pregnant and not everyone that has struggled with you, yes TTC community that’s you, aren’t all pregnant with you. Each cycle I feel like a few of us gals get pregnant together and it’s an amazing bond. Then you see a few have a great pregnancy, some struggle through it, and then there are the few who suffer the horrible sadness of a miscarriage. I was there in November of 2015. I have watched others in the community deal with the same thing and it’s still just as sad and emotional. I hope they all know they are always thought about and I do care. Each pregnancy announcement while I was TTC sent me into feeling so many different feelings and I am sure any one who is struggling with infertility can say the same. You feel happy for them, sad for you, mad, angry, jealous, then happy again, but then you feel so set back in your own journey. I don’t hate that I had to struggle to get pregnant. I feel like it made me such a stronger person all around. I just hate that so many have to suffer from it. So many people who would be amazing parents. Okay, I got that all off my chest now. I just wanted to explain that no matter what, infertility will always be a part of me and I owe so much to these girls in the TTC community. They are all so vulnerable and share so much. I don’t know what I would do without them.
I am 21 weeks pregnant now (with a little girl, yay!! ) and still so darn sick. There are good days and those days are the ones where I try to look like a human and not a walking pregnant zombie. Dealing with hyperemesis gravidarum is for the birds. Still relying on the scary Zofran, yet my high risk doctor isn’t concerned at all about me being on it. He explained that I used it after her heart was formed so it shouldn’t theoretically cause any harm. I am also only taking it twice a day instead of four times a day! If I don’t take it or try to take Diclegis or Reglan I vomit even more. We had our anatomy scan last week and everything went perfect! They said she weighed about 13oz and was in a great percentile. I can feel her kick all of the time now. This past week has been really rough. Not only were my hands and legs more swollen, but so was my face. My blood pressure went up and I have never had an issue with my blood pressure before. I knew what it all pointed to and called my doctor. She explained that I have all of the early symptoms of Preeclampsia. Lovely, just lovely. I am not officially diagnosed because as of right now my blood pressure was fine and there was no protein in my urine. So now I am being watched like a hawk and trying my best to take it easy. Did I mention we are in the middle of buying a house? Holy stress!! Luckily both of our families have been so supportive and are on board with getting us into a house soon so I can relax even more. Operation keep me calm and baby inside in full effect!!!
With Mother’s day around the corner, I want all of the TTC community to know I am thinking of them and will be the whole day. When people or doctors ask me if this is my first pregnancy and I say yes, it literally kills me inside. Technically she is not my first baby. She is my second. I lost my first and will never forget that baby. I wanted that baby so damn much. My husband came home last night to me sobbing like a goon on the couch because it is all I can think of this moment. I am so grateful that I am pregnant with this amazing little girl and so sad at the same time. I got pregnant right after my miscarriage and never fully grieved. I mean, do you ever really grieve that kind of loss?
I have a ton to write about since its been quite a while!!! We did our first iui in November which resulted in what doctors call a chemical pregnancy aka a miscarriage. After cycle day 1 came, I called my doctor who refilled clomid and we went at it again. IUI number 2 was right before Christmas. I felt hardly anything during the dreaded two week wait. I mean I was still mourning our loss and very stressed that this wasn’t our ticket to a baby. All I kept thinking was I better start saving now for ICSI which is what my doctor thought from the beginning anyway.
On January 1st it was 9 days past ovulation. I decided to wake up early and pee on a pregnancy test. When that second line showed up I literally burst into tears. I didn’t want to tell my husband until I took another test the next day and saw the line getting darker. With our miscarriage, the line never got darker. So I woke up again early the next day and there that beautiful second line was. I couldn’t contain my excitement. I always planned I would plan something for my husband and surprise him to let him know we did it. This morning I just couldn’t. I couldn’t wait. I didn’t want to go out and buy stuff, I was tired of waiting and frankly just wanted to blurt it out. My husband is not a morning person. So I sat in bed beaming staring at him like a creep and planning our future as he slept away. I sent him a picture of the test and the quote ” roses are red, violets are blue. Inside me beats two hearts for you”. When he finally woke up he asked me why I was staring at him. I asked him if he got my text. Haha. He replied “No, I was sleeping”. He opened it up and I still remember his big smile. Every day after I kept peeing on those dreadful tests that brought me so much joy. The tests that I used to hate and want to break into a million pieces were now my friend.
At 14dpo I went to my doctor as scheduled to have my beta/hcg test. I missed the call because I was in a meeting. The voicemail from the nurse said my levels were normal. Well what the hell did that mean? Normal. I called them back and my level was 96.2!!! I’ve never been so excited. I burst into tears and couldn’t wait to go home. Each beta test after just kept getting higher. At 6 weeks we saw the fetal pole and sac. Each week the ultrasound was more and more exciting. At about 8.5 weeks my doctor surprised me and said okay all done here, you graduated and can see a regular obgyn. I was in tears. Tears because of how far we have come and because these people helped me so much. I still miss them everyday. I spent one morning a week with these people. I owe them everything.
So now at 10.5 weeks we wait until the 12 week scan and hopefully it goes well and we see the sex of the baby.
I still feel guilty for being so excited to be pregnant. I owe so much to the ttc Instagram community. These ladies are everything. I want for all of us to beat infertility. For right now I hold my head high and talk about miscarriages and infertility openly because the world has mad us feel ashamed of it. When in reality, we should be proud and help others.
Thank you all! I promise to update more.
Things I did for IUI#2 a little different from IUI #1
~Meds- 2 Pomegranate capsules daily with prenatal and 1 vitamin B complex since cd1.
~Started 100mg Clomid CD4.
~Kept warm no matter what and always had socks on! Warm feet = warm uterus is what I kept repeating to myself. I only took my socks off to shower haha.
~The morning of IUI we dropped off the sample to be washed, then went ate a chickfila biscuit and drank sweet tea in the car just the two of us (our little IUI tradition).
~I had to go right to work afterwards but I kept things easy, stayed calm, and just kept telling myself that little one is settling in. I acted as if I was already pregnant. I kept being positive (I know it sounds funny) but even at night I fell asleep with my hand on my stomach.
~After I left the office I was trying to get to work on time and I hit a huge bump going over the rail road tracks and now I joke that the bump shot the swimmers up real good! Haha.
~I went and bought a huge pineapple and sliced it into fifths and put them in separate baggies in the fridge. I ate one whole slice including the core for five days the day after my IUI.
~I cut caffeine out after IUI and tried to eat balanced meals.
So it’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I’ve been updating my Instagram almost daily but writing out every detail is a lot lately but I missed writing.
So let’s update you on my utterly infertile journey, shall we?
On November 20th we went and I had my first intrauterine insemination aka IUI. Everything went great and our doctor said my husband’s sperm looked great and so were his numbers. I had mild cramping after the IUI but took it easy and went to the movies later that night with friends. I also kept it low key Saturday night with some designer bad bingo. Didn’t win a thing but was still smiling because I had this huge secret I did and only my bestie knew!
On thanksgiving it was so hard not to tell my mom or sisters that we did our first IUI. At one point my mom turned to me and said you seem different and then she smiled. It made me so nervous like she knew that I was pregnant. My mom knows everything. I mean, I already thought I was because I started having symptoms. This might be tmi but I mean I share everything else, so why the hell not! My boobs were hurting so bad 3 days after the IUI. Around 6-7 days past the IUI I was nauseous, a little dizzy, boobs were swollen, trouble sleeping or getting comfortable, and that turkey my mother spent all day on made me want to vomit something fierce! At one point when she walked away, I put a napkin over it!
On Black Friday I had my blood work drawn for my progesterone level. The nurse called later and said it was a 17 and no need for progesterone suppositories. I had mild cramping and tightness in my lower abdomen between day 9-12. The night of day 13 I was up all night with the worst cramps of my life. I knew I was pregnant and I knew the harsh cramps weren’t normal. I knew the morning of day 14 I was miscarrying. I couldn’t say the words and tried not to think about it.
I went in to the fertility clinic at 7 am and the nurse asked if I had tested yet. I said no because I didn’t. I didn’t want to jinx it and some how something bad happen. It’s all I could think of. I never watched so much Netflix or pinned things on Pinterest to keep my mind off peeing on those damn pregnancy tests. I worked a half a day that day and returned my boots at the mall after work. I then drove to the gas station where I slid in the lot frantically because the nurse called and I could just tell in her voice that it wasn’t good news. I gasped “I’m not pregnant, am I”? The poor nurse replied “well yes you are but it’s a chemical pregnancy, you’re having an early miscarriage”. My heart dropped. I thanked her and pumped my gas while sobbing and trying not to cause any attention to myself. I knew I had to call my husband who was in London!!! He could tell by voice how upset I was. I was so sad to tell him and kept saying I’m sorry. It was so traumatic. I told him I needed my mom and was driving over. Some how I managed to get there and collapsed on her couch. She saw me and knew something was wrong. My sister came running out of the kitchen. I was so upset. I was even more upset to see my moms face. The face of a mother who was so upset because her daughter was so upset and there was nothing to do. Nothing to do but hold me. And she did. She did because she is the mother I strive so hard to become. She is amazing. I want to be half of the mother she is. After I calmed down some, I went home. I peed on a stupid test and the most beautiful two pink lines appeared. I’ve never had that happen.
Luckily my husband was due to come home the next day. It was comforting falling asleep crying while he was there holding me.
You know what some of the worst things about miscarriage are? They are so different and no one can prepare you for them. I didn’t start bleeding for days! I just had the worst cramps ever and all of these pregnancy symptoms. Totally messes with your brain. The symptoms didn’t go away for days. It was like a tiny sad reminder that life was once forming inside of you. That for once your body was responding and doing something right. Then just like that, it’s all taken away.
It took me over a week to talk about it and not sob uncontrollably. I told my boss because I knew she knew I wasn’t myself and I’m very open about my struggles with my coworkers. We are a close family. The outreach and support from the ttc community on Instagram is outstanding. I’ve never felt so connected and supported until now. This community is something extraordinary.
After talking to my doctor, he is okay with our plan of doing IUI’s. He said we may need to strongly consider IVF/ICSI come spring. We understand but are hopeful that one little beautiful baby sticks! All you need is one!
Right now I’m gearing up for IUI number two! Already done my 5 days of clomid and will be checking my follicles on Sunday. Hopefully the IUI will wait until after Christmas, but if not we are ready!
Utterly exhausted xoxo
So this morning I had my first IUI. Doctor said sperm count was great. It didn’t hurt, was just uncomfortable. All I can think about is if one of those sperm actually do their thing! Haha. I get my progesterone level checked on Black Friday and then go in for pregnancy test December 4th. December! Where the crap has the time gone? Cook baby, cook!!!
We are going out tonight to watch the Hunger Games in reclining seats! We went to this theater a couple of weeks ago and it’s amazing. I can’t wait!! Tomorrow I’m having a girls night starting at one of those designer bag bingo things! Can’t wait. I need a night out to just relax and laugh. I’ve been so stressed lately at work and our infertility.
Utterly Happy xoxo
I have never ever been nervous during any of my medicated cycles. This morning I was so nervous I could of puked. I had my ultrasound done this morning and he sees a ton of follicles. Go clomid!!!! I have a ton that are 10 mm and my biggest is 13 mm. We are right on schedule. I go back Wednesday morning for my next ultrasound and hopefully scheduling my first IUI for Friday. He hopes not all follicles mature, but I’ve always wanted twins, so of course my fingers are crossed!
This cat explains how bloated I feel especially when I have to get dressed and be a functioning adult. Haha.
Fingers, toes, paws, everything but my legs will be crossed so things go as planned Friday! 👶🏻😁👶🏻😍
I have never been so at ease and excited all at once! We met with our fertility specialist yesterday and he actually wants to do my first IUI this month!!! It also works perfect with my husbands work schedule. They called me today and my base line blood work came back perfect. So I start Clomid tomorrow!!! No more femara since I don’t respond to it at all. Our plan is to try three IUI cycles and if still not pregnant then we go to IVF. Well technically ICSI since he doesn’t have the Grade A sperm as the doctor said. He would rather have us go that route so he can pick out the fastest and healthiest sperm to use. It was nice to sit down and make a plan and a back up plan! I am such a planner so this completely made me happy and calm. Our doctor was also excited that we are on the same page as he is which was nice. It’s so nice to have a great relationship with our doctor and to feel confident in him. I honestly can’t wait to start clomid. Bring on the tears and the hot flashes!!!!! Next ultrasound to check out the follies is the 14th of November 🙂
Oh and my husband agreed to let me keep this little cutie Savannah Mae! I have been helping an elderly couple trap kittens in her yard for two years now. This one she drove to me and she was about two weeks old. I bottle fed her and knew she was something special and not leaving. So for now she’s my baby haha.
Today I accomplished a whole lot of nothing. Well maybe something. I did laundry, tons of homework, researched healthy recipes for the next few weeks meals, and snuggled. This cold crispy air makes me want a big cup of coffee, my leopard print slippers, and snuggles with these goofs.
Both are rescues. My dog is a pit bull mix with a huge underbite and a love for Doritos and cat snuggles. I got him when I worked at animal control and he was about a week old and a bag of bones. Near death and rejected by his birth mother, I knew I had to take him home and try. I bottle fed him and nursed him into a fat 60 pound couch potato. He loves his chihuahua brother and the cats. Total daddy’s boy unless he’s not feeling well.
The naked creature peeking out of the warm comforter is Pascha. I waited my whole adult life to adopt a Sphynx cat. We got her when she was 5 and she’s about 10 years old now. Wow just realized she’s getting old! She hybernates all fall and winter in blankets and comes out in the summer to sit in the sun by the window.
I’m definitely an adopter!! Working in animal control, my eyes were opened to the thousands upon thousands of animals that were euthanized daily because there are no homes and more coming in. People keep breeding or simply just not spay or neutering because they don’t care enough. I also have a Devon Rex cat. It’s a myth that you can’t find purebred animals in the shelter. I’ve seen so many different breeds!!!
Anyway, I’m off to make dinner and back to snuggling. Love these lazy Sundays! Don’t you?
I wish we had pumpkins year round. I love the fall crisp air and pumpkins everywhere! Do you all have a favorite fall drink? I literally count the days for Starbucks pumpkin spice latte and stalk their Twitter. Stalk!!! I drink way too many and I don’t care. I get a soy pumpkin spice latte with whipped cream and mocha drizzle. Usually grande but definitely threw the barista off this morning with a venti. Hey , I was training a new person at work today and I needed my big latte! Ended up training two at once alone, which made Friday very interesting. My husband surprised me last night with pumpkin shaped Reese cups. He knows my weaknesses! I can’t wait until next weekend because we are going to the pumpkin patch with my family. Tomorrow we are going to dinner with friends and a haunted house. Can’t stinkin wait!
I did my nails last night while waiting for he hub to come home from work. I am really liking this nude color from Red carpet manicure called fake bake. Added some sparkle on top because why not?
It’s like CD 50 something and still no period. Definitely not pregnant so why not show up you biotch?! Waiting until next week and then going in for blood work and an ultrasound to see where I am in my cycle and probably starting medication to make AF appear! December really can’t come soon enough so we can do our first iui. I smile just typing that!!!!
Being married last Halloween, I dreamt of being pregnant a little before Halloween this year and announcing it on our anniversary. We have tried but not tried for over a year and a half to conceive and now we are really buckling down. I did 3 rounds of unmonitored Clomid and the blood work showed that I did ovulate. Just didn’t get knocked up! Then recently we did two rounds of Femara and nothing. Follicles just weren’t growing. I also suffered from really bad side effects from the Femara and still have hand pains from it. So now we are taking a break due to hubs busy work schedule, since he travels a lot, and doing our first IUI in December. I can’t wait. I have never been so excited. Since I can remember, I knew deep down inside getting pregnant wasn’t going to be easy for me. I just knew it. Which is fine, just stinks. I knew we would be going towards IUI and maybe even IVF route. So here I am sharing our story and I hope you enjoy it. So fingers crossed that December gets here quick because I can’t freaking wait!!!! Any help, suggestions, recipes, spells, crystals, etc would be greatly appreciated. We are dealing with PCOS, hypothyroidism, endometriosis, and his semen analysis showed us he has low motility, but a great count.
PS – Met that cute little pony on our anniversary getaway this past weekend. So cute!! 😛
Utterly Infertile ❤